MY STORY 

I remember growing up and always feeling like my differences were

a curse. Ever since I can remember I have always been extremely sensitive. More so than my peers growing up, most of my friends and my family. This created so much tension for me when I was younger,

when I just wanted to fit in. I never wanted to be seen or heard because that meant I could possibly be put down or made fun of

by those around me.

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I didn't want to speak up or share my opinion especially if it was different and I surely was not going to tell people what I truly felt

although I was feeling everything!

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It seemed like every time I expressed my deepest thoughts, feelings

or desires I was told that I'm "too needy"or "too sensitive".

In my desperation to just be accepted I shoved all

of those "weak" and "irrational" feelings away

and decided that I just wouldn't care anymore.​

Does this feel familiar to you?

I know I'm not the only one who felt this way but at the time I felt so alone!

I struggled to keep my head above water as I swam through my teenage years trying to do what was the "norm".

Stay happy all the time, be friends with everyone, get good grades,

don't make mistakes (and if you did don't let anyone find out)!

Somehow figure out and know exactly what you want to do

for a living by the time you're 18, get accepted to the perfect school to study to earn a degree that would provide job security for your future, fulfill all your dreams and grant long term happiness.

I was scheduled to go off to a 4 year collage; twice

and BOTH times backed out right before the classes began.

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I didn't know what I wanted to do but I also didn't want to do something just because it was what everyone else was doing

or I was told to do. ​College didn't feel right for me.

I wanted to have a different life experience at that time.

Have you ever had to make a choice not to do something you knew

was wrong for you? Did you experience resistance from others 

because it didn't seem fit the status quo?

​This is when I met my anxiety. I was constantly worried; my mind never allowing me a moment of peace. 

I became overwhelmed with fear that what I truly wanted to do wasn't good enough and was somehow wrong because it was different than the norm. I feared I would be rejected by my friends, family and social circles

and loose the safety and security I felt in my life. 

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Beneath the chaos, confusion and frustration

I deeply desired connection, love and acceptance 

from those around me who I cared for so deeply.

​I needed someone to support me in figuring out what I wanted to do; who could see me for the unique individual I was,

and validate my feelings by reminding me that it is okay if what I wanted was different from everyone else.

I needed to hear that there wasn't anything wrong with me,

that I wasn't a failure or a fuck up and that I simply needed to tune into myself to create my own path.​

And now I am that support for others and can be that for you!!!

These divisions in myself between what I felt and what I felt I had to "perform" for the world created tension in my relationships.

I wasn't doing what I truly wanted and wasn't honoring myself so I became resentful and distrustful

towards those around me which tore apart many of my close relationships and eventually led me to attract relationships

that didn't reflect who I truly aspired to be. Duh! If by putting on a mask in an effort to hide who I truly was of course

I was going to be around people who didn't know who they were and didn't genuinely  know me!

Because I didn't know how to handle these feelings of isolation,

of being an outsider, and feeling unable to meet the expectations

I was in pain; a pain I'm sure you're familiar with too... 

To further escape my pain and feelings which soon developed into shame and guilt I turned to sex, alcohol and drugs. 

Self Abandonment 

I felt like I didn't even know what I wanted anymore.

Being so disconnected from my feelings, I couldn't connect to what

I believed or needed which meant I let anyone in and in doing so,

allowed all the wrong people to use and abuse me. ​

When in your life did you loose

a sense of your values, beliefs, boundaries, trust for yourself and

in doing so allowed treatment you didn't deserve?

I was drowning and dying. 

I contemplated suicide so many times as my final attempt to escape myself. I hated existing in this painful way,

not fully knowing who I was and felt like it wasn't in alignment with who I was honestly designed to be.  

​

It wasn't until I lost someone so very close to me...

that I hit my rock bottom. 

I didn't want to live anymore; I wanted to die!

At the age of 19 I came home one morning and I found my lover, dead in our house.

​

This resulted in an immense amount of

mental, emotional and physical pain.

​

I felt completely devastated and out of control.

This enormous shock caused an overwhelmingly amount of trauma and ptsd within my body that I had no idea how to process and navigate through at the time. Who would? 

Without the proper tools to heal and release the pain,

I embodied it all and experienced physical sharpness in my chest for years after, believing at times it would result in a heart attack!   

​

I felt like everything I had tried in my life leading up to that...

I had failed at and that no matter what I did I would always suffer.

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Maybe you know this feeling; feeling so hopeless, stuck, 

 overwhelmed and defeated, doomed to disaster and pain forever.

I can now promise you, that is not true!

Many Paths to Healing

I was taken to therapy by my parents

who were desperately trying to keep me alive!

​

My therapist gave me antidepressants and sedatives for my anxiety... all of which made me feel worse,

more numb and even more suicidal! 

​

I soon threw out my prescriptions without finishing them, 

feeling extremely fed up with that method of treatment that did not connect with me or my needs, and felt like another way to get me to control myself and not express myself. 

This was not the path to my healing. 

​

So, I continued to suppress all my feelings and tried to escape them by self medicating through recreational drugs while distracting myself with men through romantic relationships by focusing all of my time and energy on them instead.    

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Never really slowing down long enough to be present with myself and face what I was truly feeling.​​

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My deep love for the partner I lost drove me insane...

I went on a quest to answers my question of where his soul had gone off to.

​​

His death shocked me so deep, to the very core essence of my being and woke me up from this numb, unconscious, sheep-like state and this obsession with needing to please others and do what was "expected" of me. This deep pain moved me to FINALLY discover what I truly valued, needed and desired. 

​

I watched endless documentaries on the after life, began reading spiritual texts and spoke to everyone I knew about their thoughts on death. 

​​​

It forced me to look at what actually mattered to me in my life...

and I've now found, that is love.  

​

This was my wake up call. 

Reestablishing Trust Within Myself

Many people doubted this newer path I had found myself on since it wasn't widely accepted or practiced in the society

I lived in and made comments to me about it being "another phase" or told me to not discuss these topics of spirituality

because it sounded "stupid" and defied their understanding of themselves and reality. ​

Even I at the time knew so little and yet something inside of my soul resonated SO deeply with what I was finding

I ignored their skepticism and judgement. I kept rockin' and rollin' with it!

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I didn't have many others around me at first who were into things like collecting crystals, studying the patterns of the planets

and stars, taking care of their bodies in a deeper way beyond the physical, studied spiritual practices from other cultures, 

allowed themselves to cry and have a full expression of their feelings or valued and understood the importance

of spending time in nature. Quite honestly, I didn't know if I ever would find those people.