I remember growing up and always feeling like my differences were a curse. ever since I can remember i have always been extremely sensitive. more so than my peers growing up, most of my friends and my family. this created so much tension for me when i was younger,
when i just wanted to fit in. i never wanted to be seen or heard because that meant i could possibly be put down or made fun of
by those around me.
i didn't want to speak up or share my opinion especially if it was different and i surely was not going to tell people what i truly felt
although i was feeling everything!
"Samantha's grace is a beautiful inspiration!"
it seemed like every time i expressed my deepest thoughts, feelings or desires i was told that
i'm "too needy"or "too sensitive".
in my desperation to just be accepted i shoved all
of those "weak" and "irrational" feelings away
and decided that i wouldn't care anymore.
i struggled to keep my head above water as i swam through my teenage years trying to do what was the "norm". Stay happy all the time, be friends with everyone, get good grades, don't make mistakes
(and if you did don't let anyone find out),
know exactly what you want to do
for a living by the time you're 18,
get accepted to your dream school and
go off to that collage to pursue your career.
I was scheduled to go off to a 4 year collage, twice and both times bailed right before the classes began.
i didn't know what i wanted to do but i also didn't want to do something just because it was what everyone else was doing or i was told to do.
college didn't feel right for me.
i wanted to have a different life
experience at that time.
this is when i met my anxiety.
i was constantly worried,
my mind never allowing me a moment of peace.
i became overwhelmed with fear that what i truly wanted to do wasn't good or right,
wouldn't get me the friends i wanted,
the safety and security in life or allow me to be understood and accepted by my family.
not too many people i had grown up around chose a different path so i didn't have any example and
i didn't know at all where it would take me or
what else i could do with my life.
more shoving, more hiding my true self,
more editing out my thoughts and feelings
in certain situations and more misery!!!
beneath the chaos, confusion and frustration
i deeply desired connection and to just be loved and embraced by those around me who i loved so deeply.
i wanted someone to support me in figuring out what i wanted to do and to tell me it was okay that
what i wanted was different from everyone else.
i needed to hear that there wasn't
anything wrong with me,
that i wasn't a failure or a fuck up,
And that i just simply needed to
tune into myself to find own my path.
since i didn't really have that i just kept pretending and acting like i would eventually get to doing
what everyone else wanted or expected me to do.
these divisions in myself created tension in my relationships.
i wasn't doing what i truly wanted and wasn't honoring
myself so i became resentful and distrustful towards those around me
apart many of
my close relationships.
to further escape my pain and feelings which soon developed into shame and guilt
i turned to sex, alcohol and drugs.
i was drowning and dying.
i contemplated suicide so many times as
my final attempt to escape myself.
i hated the person i was.
i tried so hard to just make everyone else around me happy but had completely vacated myself in that process and soon didn't even know
who i was anymore.
i didn't really know what i wanted, what i felt or what i believed. i had abandoned my core values and all of my boundaries within myself and in doing so allowed all the wrong people to use and abuse me.
it wasn't until i lost someone so very close to me...
one of the only people who gave me
a sense of belonging at the time,
that i hit my rock bottom.
i didn't want to live anymore,
i wanted to die!
at the age of 19 i found my partner,
dead in our house.
this resulted in an immense amount of
mental, emotional and physical pain.
i felt completely devastated and out of control.
this enormous shock caused an overwhelmingly amount of trauma and ptsd on my body that i had
no idea how to process and navigate through.
Without the proper tools to heal and release the pain, i embodied it all and experienced physical sharpness in my chest for years after, believing
at times it would result in a heart attack!
i felt like everything i had tried... i had failed
and that no matter what i did i would always suffer.
i was forced into therapy by my parents
who were desperately trying to keep me alive!
my therapist gave me antidepressants and sedatives for my anxiety... all of which made me feel worse,
more numb and even more suicidal!
i soon threw out my prescriptions
without finishing them,
feeling extremely fed up with that
method of treatment.
i continued to suppress all my feelings
and tried to escape them by self medicating
through more drugs while loosing myself
to others in my romantic relationships by
focusing all of my time and energy on them.
Never really slowing down long enough to be present with myself and face
what i was truly feeling.
i later learned that the tragic event of loosing someone i loved actually held blessings
disguised as very difficult lessons. .
reflecting back on this progression of events now with a deeper understanding of soul purposes's and karmic ties i have realized that the death of my partner ended up being my saving grace,
my light at the end of the tunnel.
my deep love for him drove me insane...
i went on a quest to answers my question
of where his soul had gone off to.
i watched endless documentaries on the after life, began reading spiritual texts and spoke to everyone i knew about their thoughts on death.
his death shocked me so deep, to the very core essence of my being and woke me up from this numb, unconscious, sheep-like state i was in.
it forced me to look at what actually
mattered to me in my life...
and that was love.
i met myself for the first time on my yoga mat!
i was gifted a few classes to a yoga studio by a loved one. it was my first time experiencing the true practice of yoga and it's spiritual depth.
in this state of stillness and full surrender
i received my first glimpse of peace without
any drugs or anything outside of myself.
i felt a deep feeling of contentment and fulfillment that emanated warmth from within my being.
it was this inner knowing that sparked my soul...
and i felt that even when my life
or the world seemed chaotic,
i could find peace within myself.
i knew at that moment, most of the systems that
i was trying so hard to fit into, were not my place.
there was another way...
it was the answer to my suffering that
i had been praying endlessly for.
i soon immersed myself in the practice of yoga by committing to a teacher training which helped me
to heal and find relief from the sharp, burning pains i had been experiencing in my physical body.
shortly after, i discovered
her sister science-ayurveda.
this ancient practice gave me great insight
into how i am composed on all layers
of my being (mind, body and soul)!
i learned the art of living,
how to live in alignment with nature,
the world around me and not in resistance to it!
ayurveda's preventative approach to health and healing showed me that it is possible to tune
into my body, listen to its needs and provide it
with the medicine it needs!
through diet, lifestyle and daily practices i have
the power to maintain balance within my own body
and even prevent sickness & disease!!!
i became my greatest leader, healer and teacher!
i also learned one of the most important
necessities in my life... meditation!
through meditation i observed my pain and watched it melt away as i embraced it with a loving gratitude which allowed me to settle back into my body
and heal all the walls and defenses
i had built around my heart.
this reopened me to the world and those around me!
i felt connection again for the first time...
not only to myself but to my sense of purpose
and belonging on this planet!
i had always known on some level that there was more on the menu of my life than
what i was being offered but until i was served these three practices and my soul was finally nourished...
i had no idea what that was and how much
of life's pleasure and joy i had been missing!
i dove deep inside of myself and followed my own
road map of feelings, pain and fears to discover
my true passions, personal power and magic!
and to my surprise...
they were all hidden away in the places with
the stuff i had shoved beside for so many years!
i stopped trying to force myself into other
peoples systems and soon established one of my own.
i was given a new set of lens in which i now
view the world and my own life through.
i recognized and took responsibility for all the harm and neglect i had caused myself for so long
by not staying fully present and siding
with myself in each and every moment.
i observed my intuition.
i listened to my body and honored its messages.
i began to embrace my sensitivity as
my biggest gift!
although many people around me still doubted this newer path i was on and even made comments to me about it being "another phase" or telling me to shut up because I sounded stupid when I spoke about things like astrology and the stars...
i kept rockin' and rollin' with it!
i didn't have many others around me at first who were into things like collecting crystals,
taking care of their bodies, crying and expressing their feelings in an effort to be more vulnerable
or hanging out in nature and at times
i didn't know if i ever would find those people.
but at some point after really learning to love myself and understanding that my differences are not hurting anyone else but instead
giving them permission to also
be exactly who they are...
i allowed myself to be seen!
now i do what i want, when i want and where i want!
tarot readings in coffee shops, meditating in amusement parks and yoga at the airport.
I don't wait for anyones validation or approval when i want to do something my heart is calling me to do!
this included taking a 1 month solo journey across the world to backpack around
a third world country...
talk about liberation and power!
today i express my feelings to others openly and honestly and i don't feel like i need others to agree
with me in order to feel safe and secure. .
i clearly speak my needs and share my boundaries because i know it is the only way to have
deep, meaning and authentic relationships
with those i love.
i say no when i need to or when something doesn't feel right and i never do anything that doesn't honor my body or isn't aligned with
my core values and beliefs.
i LOVE being different!
I LOVE being a leader!
I LOVE being exactly who I am in any given moment!
i feel confident, powerful, vibrant and fulfilled!
my life has a deep meaning,
i have a purpose and i know i belong!
i am here now as proof to show you that it is never too late to side with yourself!
life isn't a "one size fits all" and a paved path
we must all follow... and health and healing
most certainly are not either!!!
they are not blankets or umbrellas we can throw over all different types of people because in reality... we are all unique and require
something different in each moment.
one mans medicine is another mans poison!
learning to listen to your intuition and how to speak the language of your body is your
greatest asset in your life.
your body loves you and is always giving
you the guidance you need to succeed!
no matter how much you have disconnected,
neglected or forgotten yourself...
you can begin again!
you always had the power, all along!
you are the only one who needs to believe it my dear!
“Just had my second auricular acupuncture session and my first ayurvedic massage with Samantha. I cannot give enough stars to Samantha, she is that good.
She makes you feel incredibly comfortable and her incredibly kind & loving energy just radiates from her during the session.
Most importantly, she is genuine and believes in what she is doing. In one word, Samantha has integrity.
I highly recommend her. 🙏🙏”